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Historic Cajun Corn Kernels By Herodotus (C. 424 - C. 485 BCE) Chapter Nine
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Historic Cajun Corn Kernels By Herodotus (C. 424 - C. 485 BCE)

Being a dead weirdo gives a disembodied soul perspective. And that perspective is this: Chaos is the toasted Cajun corn kernels in the universe’s trail mix. They’re spicy, sometimes they’re petrified, but if you pick all of them out, what’ve you got left? You’ve got the beginnings of Madonna’s green room demands, that’s what. Next thing you know you’re trying to get a leash on her pet crocodile while your buddy’s hooking up her Coke and Hennessy slushy machine. And you’re like, Hey, can I get a little help here? And he’s like, Sure, no prob, because he’s cool like that. But four hours later, you’ve drunk time-traveled to a Circle K and somehow you’ve got Madonna’s pantyhose over your head, a gun in your hand, and that crocodile behind the wheel of your getaway car. And it is in this moment when a universal truth strikes you like a bolt of lightning. You should’ve left the Cajun corn kernels as they were. Because now, the universe is fighting back.

Merriam-Webster defines chaos as:

  1. —a state of utter confusion.
  2. —the inherent unpredictability in the behavior of a complex natural system.

In the case of civilization, chaos most often presents itself through idiocy. Take your basic Law of Averages. Most people have no clue how it works. This is because most people are morons. For example, say a person goes around a room and meets twelve morons. One might think the thirteenth person is likely to be reasonably smart. But that’s not how the Law of Averages works. The thirteenth person is the biggest moron yet. What’s worse, counting you, there are only fourteen people in the room. So what does that tell us about the Law of Averages? It tells us the average person is stupid, but half of those stupid people are even stupider than the other half.

Stupid is neither cunning, nor subtle. It does not creep like a thief in the night. It explodes like C-4 strapped to the back of a Porta Potty. But what stupid people lack in cognitive organization, they make up for in willpower. For when one stupid idiot possesses enough willpower, that stupid idiot wields a chaotic influence on the world around him. When two stupid idiots wield such influence, watch out. Now apply this phenomenon to the Law of Averages and you’ll begin to understand the power of chaos and the condition of the world prior to Nostradamus’s intervention.

The problem with Nostradamus bringing humanity into strict order isn’t the world peace, balanced budgets, or the global dissolution of call centers. The problem is, as Ian Malcolm from Jurassic Park would put it: Nature finds a way. Perhaps it is inevitable then, when in desperate times independent thought is outlawed and communication distilled to rehearsed phrases like, “We can walk and chew gum at the same time,” humanity must turn its defeated eyes to the fuck-ups of the world to restore the natural order of things. After all, seeds of chaos can—and will—grow. Behold now, the chaos inherent in the system.

David Beem
David Beem